Lately I’ve been feeling sort of down about the fact that I don’t get to spend as much time with the girls as I want to. I think a big part of it is that when Audrey was 6 months old (like Caroline is now), I quit my job at UGF to prepare for our PCS to Virginia. That meant I got to spend 6-7 months with her instead of being a working mom, and I loved that time so much. I am really sad & feel guilty that I don’t get that time with Caroline at all and I guess I’m just feeling like an insignificant part of their lives. It seems like both of them are growing so fast and I feel like I don’t get to actively participate.
To add insult to injury, last night at bedtime, Audrey bumped her head and started crying. The first thing she said was, “I wanna show Miss Leonor (daycare teacher)!” and she said it twice more. Same thing happened this morning when she scraped her knee on the way to the car. Ugh. It was like a dagger to the heart & I teared up on the spot.
Caroline’s also stopped nursing because she gets so frustrated that let-down is slower than getting milk from a bottle. Of course my mind sees this as a, “well, if I was able to spend more time with her and we could nurse more, she wouldn’t get so used to the bottle” issue which makes me feel awful again. For now it’s back to exclusive pumping which is something I did NOT want to do again after Audrey, but if it’s what needs to be done in order to get breastmilk into her, then there is no question. However, I’m not so thrilled about this being my fate for the next 6 months…
It has been hard not to beat myself up about these things lately. My mind constantly says, “Well, of course Audrey calls out for her daycare teacher first. Why wouldn’t she? You’re never there!” or “What did you expect from your previously amazing nursing baby? You are not able to nurse her as frequently anymore. Of course she isn’t going to want to anymore!” So frustrating, disheartening & depressing. I know there are perks to being a working mom (right?), but sometimes it’s just hard to see them.