Sad heart

Lately I’ve been feeling sort of down about the fact that I don’t get to spend as much time with the girls as I want to. I think a big part of it is that when Audrey was 6 months old (like Caroline is now), I quit my job at UGF to prepare for our PCS to Virginia. That meant I got to spend 6-7 months with her instead of being a working mom, and I loved that time so much. I am really sad & feel guilty that I don’t get that time with Caroline at all and I guess I’m just feeling like an insignificant part of their lives. It seems like both of them are growing so fast and I feel like I don’t get to actively participate.

To add insult to injury, last night at bedtime, Audrey bumped her head and started crying. The first thing she said was, “I wanna show Miss Leonor (daycare teacher)!” and she said it twice more. Same thing happened this morning when she scraped her knee on the way to the car. Ugh. It was like a dagger to the heart & I teared up  on the spot.

Caroline’s also stopped nursing because she gets so frustrated that let-down is slower than getting milk from a bottle. Of course my mind sees this as a, “well, if I was able to spend more time with her and we could nurse more, she wouldn’t get so used to the bottle” issue which makes me feel awful again. For now it’s back to exclusive pumping which is something I did NOT want to do again after Audrey, but if it’s what needs to be done in order to get breastmilk into her, then there is no question. However,  I’m not so thrilled about this being my fate for the next 6 months…

It has been hard not to beat myself up about these things lately. My mind constantly says, “Well, of course Audrey calls out for her daycare teacher first. Why wouldn’t she? You’re never there!” or “What did you expect from your previously amazing nursing baby? You are not able to nurse her as frequently anymore. Of course she isn’t going to want to anymore!” So frustrating, disheartening & depressing. I know there are perks to being a working mom (right?), but sometimes it’s just hard to see them.

Advertisements

2 Comments

Filed under baby, Family, Kids, Motherhood

2 responses to “Sad heart

  1. Daycare teachers will come and go. You? Will be the constant in their lives. And you are showing them just exactly how many ways a mother can provide for them – emotionally, spiritually, physically, economically, all of it. You are an amazing role-model for your daughters, both in how well you care for them, and in how well you balance working outside and inside the home, and in how much you are willing to put yourself (and your poor boobs!) through to give them exactly what they need. Even if they don’t know it yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s