It’s been pretty challenging to add a new little member to our family. There are a lot more demands on time, energy and sleep than I think we could have ever imagined. Stress has run higher in our house than it ever had before, and I’m sure we’re not completely out of the woods on that yet but it seems to be getting better as we get into more of a groove and as Caroline starts sleeping better and better.
I am finishing up my second week back at work. If I want to be honest, I will say that it’s nice to be back in the land of adults. Obviously I miss Caroline with every ounce of my being when I’m away from her (Audrey too but I am more used to being away from her!) but it’s nice to be able to have free hands, the ability to eat meals (or at least lunch!) on my own time schedule (for the most part) and to re-connect with the outside world. I felt so out of the loop with everything during maternity leave. At the beginning that was nice, but towards the end it was driving me a little crazy to feel so isolated.
I go through feelings of guilt though because sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t enjoy being at work and I should want to be home with my babies. It does make me sad that I am missing 40+ hours of Caroline & Audrey’s weeks but at the same time, I feel like I come home and really cherish my time with them even more. It’s a good thing Audrey loves daycare and they are doing great things for her (things that I could NEVER do even if I did stay at home with her; I am just not a teacher) because that gives me comfort…and I know the same thing will happen with Caroline, too, but right now she’s just so young that I don’t see it yet.
In my mind, the best option for moms is to work part-time, but that’s not really feasible for most people. Maybe someday, but for now I am happy that I am in a job I like and working with people I like. The biggest struggle so far has been exactly what I was afraid of: making sure there is enough time and effort given to everyone who needs it (myself included). Lately Audrey has been getting the short end of the stick in terms of time with me just because Caroline needs me so much more but I am really working hard to have a date with her every weekend or every other weekend and then to spend at least 15 minutes just playing with HER every night or morning. I know that will help and I know that she misses her mommy…and I miss Audrey! Another struggle I’m finding now that I have less time is with how to spend that time. I want to give time to my friends too but I also hate the idea of taking time away from A & C when the time I already have with them now is much more scarce. Ah, trials & tribulations of a mommy.
Hopefully now that I have a little more down-time since I’m at work (ironic, right?) I can at least keep this thing more updated…