It’s been almost a month since my last post & I am not at all apologetic about it. I’ve spent that time soaking in all the changes in my life (the good & the challenging) and really taking time to process & appreciate them. We have been given two of the most beautiful blessings on the face of this planet, but wow, there are some hard days. I rarely have time to myself anymore and that’s something that is hard for me to deal with, but I am getting there. Through all the challenging times, it helps to put it in perspective. That really helps me to see how lucky I am and what a privilege it is to be a mom to Audrey & Caroline. Since it was the Christmas season, one of the songs that really hit me during this “struggle” was Labor of Love from The Nativity Story soundtrack. I feel like it really encompasses what it means to meet challenges/pain with love. With suffering comes some of the greatest blessings.
Anyway. That paragraph seemed really jumbled and unintelligible to me, but I have been running low on sleep for the past 11 or so weeks so please forgive me.
I start work again on Monday. I have such mixed feelings about this. It will be nice to see my coworkers again and to get dressed up and feel important, but it’s going to be VERY hard to leave my precious Caroline after spending the last 11 or so weeks with her. I made the realization the other day that I have never been without Caroline at my current position; the day I started the position was also the day I found out I was pregnant with her (February 11…I will NEVER forget that day). Despite the (many) times I felt like I was going to lose my mind throughout my leave, I really treasure the quiet time we have gotten to spend together. Nothing beats the newborn snuggles and my big fear is that I am not going to get them very often anymore because she & I will rarely be alone from now on. Same with me & Audrey…I don’t feel like I get to spend enough one-on-one time with her either. And so begins the struggle of making sure everyone gets enough of me (myself included).
I am also terrified of going back to work because I’m afraid I’m going to burn out and/or fail someone. How can I possibly be away from home for 8 hours and then come home and make sure that all four of us are taken care of? And then still maintain some sanity? Can’t I just prolong my maternity leave until…forever?