This past week was not the best one for our little family of three, and that probably has a lot to do with the fact that it was not the best one for me. I have been so exhausted over the last few days and no matter how much sleep I get (I have been going to bed by like, 8pm), I cannot seem to feel rested. That seems to be the story of this pregnancy because I’m pretty sure I’ve complained about that before. Audrey’s also at this stage where she knows what she wants (and it’s usually the opposite of what we want) and is very vocal about it. She doesn’t listen & thinks everything is game, and she is ALWAYS on the run. I can’t keep up with her anymore! She has a strong and independent personality (and very little patience) and while I appreciate getting to see her personality develop, it’s also exhausting and frustrating sometimes!
In addition to that, I was extra-sensitive to a lot of things this past week and Brian and I just didn’t seem to be on the same wavelength which just magnified everything. To illustrate this point, I will tell you that I am NOT a crier. I don’t cry very often at all. I didn’t cry at my engagement, my wedding, Audrey’s birth (not even through the pain), I don’t cry when people hurt my feelings, etc. I tear up at weddings sometimes or during a random moment or TV show, but for big things, I just don’t show much emotion in that way. However, in the past 7 days, I have cried THREE times. This isn’t just tearing up crying, but all-out, “the world hates me & I hate the world” crying. I also hate blaming things on hormones because I feel like it invalidates my opinions/feelings/thoughts and I don’t think that’s the case. My feelings about a lot of things this week were justified (and not hormone-induced) but that the way I reacted to things when they got overwhelming can probably be blamed on hormones (and exhaustion). I swear it was never like this with Audrey! Maybe Brian will tell you a different story, but I really don’t remember it being that bad.
I’m also feeling really overwhelmed at the thought of baby #2 coming along. I can’t think about it without getting tired, so I’m a little/lot nervous about how everything will work out when Caroline arrives. I think Audrey is exhausting enough but to add another one on?! Yikes! I know it WILL work out, but telling myself that doesn’t make me feel better. Plus, I am at the point where I am tired of sharing my body! Between Audrey & breastfeeding her and now Caroline, I haven’t had my body to myself for more than a 5-month span since just after our wedding (three years ago!). It’s taking its toll on me mentally, I think. Once Caroline is born, then tack on another year of breastfeeding at least and then maybe I’ll get my body back…
Obviously I know our lives are full of blessings and that Audrey & Caroline are two of our biggest blessings, but whew, sometimes blessings are disguised as challenges, right? This week has already started off on a much better note, so here’s hoping it continues that way.