Being a working mom is hard. Being a combination of working mom/military wife is exhausting (and my husband doesn’t even deploy!) There are some days when I don’t know how it’s possible that I’m still up & functioning like a (somewhat) normal human being. I know that when I became a mom (and a military wife, for that matter), it automatically meant that I stopped being the top priority in my own life, but a year-plus later, it’s still something I’m getting used to. When I come home from work, I don’t get to sit down. It’s time to make dinner, fight to get Audrey to actually eat her dinner & not throw it around, bathe Audrey, play with Audrey, put Audrey to bed. Then my “me” time is getting on the treadmill for 45 minutes or so…after that, it’s whatever needs to be done around the house, then bed time…then wake up & repeat. The really hard part comes on the weekends when I’m ready for a “break” but usually don’t get one because Brian works weekends 90% of the time which means I get one-on-one time with my very energetic, opinionated and exhausting one-year old. Sometimes the routine seems so monotonous and yet so very, very overwhelming that I just want to cry and/or run away to take a nap. This obviously isn’t to say that I don’t love Audrey with my whole heart & soul, BUT I would LOVE one morning where I could get ready for work without whining as my background music, or one weekend morning where I could wake up when I naturally wake up, not at 6am when Audrey decides she’s done sleeping (even though she needs about two more hours of sleep…) I also miss being able to do things without having to plan them months in advance in order to accommodate Brian’s schedule or Audrey’s schedule.
I wouldn’t change things ever because of course I love Brian and Audrey, but sometimes I do miss being top priority (or even a priority at all.) My life/goals/plans don’t mean anything to the military or to Audrey at this point. Usually I can brush that fact off and still feel okay about it, but sometimes it’s very, very hard to swallow and still feel like I have self worth, and sometimes I don’t feel like these sacrifices are appreciated at all.
I know this is the curse of being a mom & military wife, and I know that my life isn’t harder than that of other mothers and military wives. I chose this lifestyle, but it doesn’t make it any less challenging at times. I just have to focus on the things I listed in my “Thankful” post below, I guess!