So, as you may or may not know, I try to make it a habit to go on long walks every day, or at least a few times a week. This is for a lot of reasons…obviously it is the healthy thing to do, but it also gives me time away and time to think.
Tonight I thought a lot about Audrey. I always think about her because she is constantly on my heart, but tonight it was a little bit different. Maybe it’s because she is bordering on 11 months old (which is bordering on a YEAR old), or maybe it’s just because I have been enjoying our time at home very much. Anyway, tonight I thought about all of the little details about being pregnant with her and giving birth to her and being her mommy that I don’t ever want to forget; these aren’t the obvious BIG moments that every parent treasures (ie: first words, etc) but moments that I have not necessarily thought about as much but still cherish deeply…even moments that were hard.
I want to remember seeing her kick and move my belly, and listening to Brian reading her Goodnight, Moon before she was born. How we couldn’t sleep the entire night before we found out whether she was a girl or a boy, and then my moment of disbelief when we found out she was a girl. I was shocked; I thought we were having a boy! Brian recovered way faster than I did and said, “That’s our little girl!” and we’ve been wrapped around her finger ever since. I want to remember how into reading and educating ourselves we were, and how I walked 4 miles a day because I was “in training for labor and natural birth!” I want to remember the day we were told we were being induced. How I cried inconsolably in the middle of the mall and didn’t care about who was watching as we walked out of the mall. I want to remember how Brian kept telling me that it was okay and it was going to be a good day (or TWO days) because we were going to meet our girl. I want to always remember how Brian told me how amazing I was as they first put her on my chest. I want to remember that it literally felt like two seconds between when they put her on my chest and when she had to go to the nursery (it was really more like an hour) and then the anticipation I felt as I hobbled down to the nursery after showering to meet Brian and Audrey before her footprints and bath.
When Audrey was first handed to me, I think I was in too much shock and too exhausted to really feel any emotions. I didn’t cry like I was sure I would, but the emotions have definitely caught up to me in the last 11 months. I find myself so overwhelmed by love for her that I will randomly tear up when I see her do something, or when I rock her in the middle of the night or when I am taking a long walk on a trail and thinking about how fast time is going. Brian and I often complain about how heavy she is getting, but we can still hold her and cuddle her…the day will come all too soon when she is too big for us to do that.
Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose. ~From the television show The Wonder Years